I’m ready to look at another little addiction of mine. I’m not alone in this and that’s my only consolation. I’ve been reading an article about relationships and the writer suggests that many couples negotiate their intimacy around an “I love you, but…” There is often some personal habit, (I call it the fatal flaw) that becomes a sticking point.
I was reading along and smugly agreeing. I know several couples who are stuck on his smoking or her sloppiness, his scrimping and her overspending. She wants to change his diet or he wants to change the time she spends watching TV. Yes, I see their problem; I knowingly nod to myself.
The writer goes on to say the pattern includes rallying ones friends to one’s side. Yes his friends agree her habit is awful and her friends agree they could never live with a man who did that. The flaw might be lateness, cheapness, bad jokes, poor table manners.
Then the author goes on to say this: “The battle over the personal flaw is a pure power struggle. The critic wants to redesign the partner to his or her own tastes and specifications. All of the arguments are a justification for the naked impulse to control.”
What? “The naked impulse to control.” Say it isn’t so! And not me. Me? Really?
The author wisely points out that the partner also engages by resisting any change as a way to carve out their own area of autonomy. People hold onto habits: TV, smoking, food, behaviors just to keep a sense of self even if harmful. BUT the author suggests that the way out is NOT to point out this back-firing self-sabotage but rather than the critic (the partner that is “right”) must stop ALL attempts at negotiation and suggestion. Oh crap.
Struggle as I might, this hit home. I might pride myself on not coaching table manners or correcting grammar or commenting on the way he records in the checkbook, but I have this other teensy thing I want to control: how he communicates with his ex-wife.
So folks I’m asking for your help: for 21 days—the magical time to change a habit—I am committing to not talking about HER. If he mentions her I will use my AlAnon “Oh” and my AlAnon, “huh”. I will not diagnosis her, I will not interpret her, I will not suggest how he might best communicate, negotiate or manage her.
I’ll keep track here of how I do, but please weigh in to help me if this hits home for you.
Anyone willing to give up your “fatal flaw” issue for 21 days along with me?
“Naked impulse to control”, indeed. Who me?
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2 comments:
You must spend all your free time reading self-improvement books. But you're not grounded. And as long as you remain un-grounded you grab any new idea and treat it as the final fix to your problems.
You are apparently a middle-aged + woman. You bounce from one "fix" to another, and for a person of your age group one would expect that you would have developed some perspective on life; a perspective that allows you to establish solid bearings. Instead, you wrestle with childish issues, thinking that their resolution is bound to be the key to happiness.
I'm going with saying your fear out loud. Making commitment works best when you tell on yourself. Only good perspective there.
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